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I'm still here, I just find myself wasting time elsewhere. Although,… - A dream is a wish your heart makes~ [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Lauren Apri

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[Oct. 9th, 2008|05:23 pm]
Lauren Apri
I'm still here, I just find myself wasting time elsewhere. Although, in general, I am wasting less time than I ever used to. Or at least since finishing high school and leaving life as I knew it behind... social life, fiscal life, academic life, family life, life in general... yeah, the traces of my high school version of it are finally almost gone, who'd have thought.

I live in an apartment. I cook and clean and pay bills and get mail.
Got a job too, by the way, though I haven't started it yet.
I can sign things, pay for things, do things, without consent or approval... and often I do.
My friends... have changed. There's new ones. Less of the old ones. Still some though.
I take what I want to take and go to class when I want and work as hard as I feel like.
The only reason people care what I do is because they love me, and those people are few and far between - I am otherwise unobligated, unmonitored... in a way, unstoppable. Liberating? Or dangerous?

I'm settling. Into now.
Chaos of the past...
disappearing.
Freedom or Uselessness?
I am undecided.
Liberation or Limitation?
Who says they aren't the same...

What is gone is a part of this, and the people who aren't here are still a part of this. Inclusion of the other in Self. Developmental psych, thanks. Did you know many theorists support the idea that without socialization we would actually not have a sense of self at all? I believe it.

Who am I without what everyone sees, what everyone else thinks, how I want to be perceived, what I learn and take in tiny pieces from the people I surround myself with. Makes the fact that I CHOOSE those people now and little more important - by choosing my surroundings I am choosing myself and my future. Not to be too dramatic. But it's true.

It also makes you think... am I a good choice?
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