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Lauren Apri

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(no subject) [Aug. 12th, 2009|12:22 am]
Lauren Apri
We all make so many choices all the time. They seem to come in waves. It's hard to remember times like this, when there are a million doors in front of me and the choice is mine... hard to remember this feeling when I feel helpless and trapped, cornered by whatever path I chose and unable to control anything that happens.

Feeling cornered is miserable. But feeling accountable and entirely responsible can be suffocatingly overwhelming.
So many people, places, and paths. Boo.

We are stuck here, I think, until one of us gives in. One of us has to give in, or it will all be over. Will it be me?
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Into the Ocean... [Mar. 5th, 2009|10:54 am]
Lauren Apri
Spontaneity is so much easier said than done. But I'm trying it. This new attitude of open-mindedness, spontaneity, and making-the-best-of-things... it's so far from the person I am. The person I was? I am not the same.

Saying it was one thing. But I'm doing it. I am living it.
Job interviews. Oyster shots. Dates. Late night adventures.
It is so different than anything I ever used to be. It is true that the only limitations on us are the ones we give ourselves. I'm learning to give myself credit, recognize my potential, stop deciding ahead of time how far I can go and where I need to draw the lines.
How much sense does it make to feel like you can't cross a line that you drew yourself? None.

Last night? I have never been so scared in my life.
Why? Because I avoid scary situations. I don't leave my comfort zone.
I was terrified. So far beyond the person I used to be. Lauren as I knew her would not have even walked out the door. Wouldn't have taken the first step up onto the wall. I almost didn't.

The fall is never as far as you think. The impact never as painful. The water never as cold.
Jumping is the hardest. Leaving the edge. Letting go.

I needed someone to make me take the jump. And there is probably so few people in the world that could have made me do it. This is where the problem begins... he did it. And more, he knew that I would do it, when even I very much expected to be too scared. What do you do with a person like that... what do I do? Nothing. That's the choice there is. But it's a hard feeling to ignore after a night like that. That's life, eh?
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(no subject) [Jan. 29th, 2009|08:53 am]
Lauren Apri
Dreams are funny things. You never quite get what you expect, and often not even quite what you want... which is funny, because it's really all up to you.
Why do we do that to ourselves? Keep ourselves from what we really want and settle for something less, even if it's within our control to do more? Or is it that in dreams we know a little something more, that maybe what we think we want isn't really what we need and our conscious selves will just refuse to admit it...

I get a lot of sleep lately.

I'm keeping so busy that it makes my head spin, I always feel like I'm just far enough behind on everything that I have to be moving at 100 miles an hour, but really it's not so bad. It's making the time go faster. I need the time to go faster.

This is a whole different kind of lonely. I don't know how people do this. You'd think it'd be easier, but it isn't, it's harder. I'm not a fan. So... I keep busy and wait and try to stay out of trouble haha. Good times.
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(no subject) [Jan. 13th, 2009|10:28 pm]
Lauren Apri
I wonder how much of my living time I spend thinking about dying. Definitely wayyy more than is necessary. I'm gonna work on that by doing whatever makes me happy now. That may be the worst idea, or it may be the best, I am not sure. But here it goes anyway...
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(no subject) [Jan. 10th, 2009|09:45 pm]
Lauren Apri
This quarter is going to kick my butt. Again. But you know, it makes the time go by faster, and that's really what I want. Because I already miss home. I was there just long enough to remember why I call it that and what it is that just... doesn't exist in Santa Barbara. I'm glad I'm close by and I've already got several weekend excursions on the calendar it seems.
Nate was right. Just a coal off the fire here.

I've made a few decisions that have taken things off of my mind, and that's a relief. They could be the wrong ones, and may cause problems later, but for now at least I have some resolve and I can just do what I want. If I don't have a problem with any of it, does it matter what anyone else thinks? Independence is a funny thing, because it's kind of an inbuilt contradiction to be taught it by someone else.

One day there will just be ONE person. For the first time in years and years, that is a weird thought to me instead of an exciting one. At least I recognize how far from ready for that I am.

18 units. 4 classes. Regular work shift (18 month olds? for reals?). Research assistant. Institute council. Relay for Life. Friends, family, church. Lots of letter writing. Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and other artificial indicators of independence. Homework... oh the homework. Yeah, I'll keep busy this quarter, that's for sure.

10 more weeks, then freedom again! :D

I'm starting to think I won't want to stay here for all of summer... Hmm.
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(no subject) [Jan. 3rd, 2009|12:41 am]
Lauren Apri
The last week or two of 2008 did make a pretty good push for 2008 as far as most eventful years go. However.. i've spent what, 2 days? living in 2009 and my goodness.... it's already quite a ride.

I think... i'm excited?
This may be the year where i live the stories i keep secret from my children.
Is that an inappropriate new years resolution? haha

Whatever, I'm a happy camper more or less. There's always something to think about, something to fear, something to mourn, someone to miss. But I've got something on my mind that makes me smile and regardless of whether its entirely smart or not I'm trying not to care. The smiling is... nice. :)

and PS - I don't wanna go back to school. I have been reminded this break why I call this home. These are the people I miss when they're missing and this is the place where life feels like living. It only took me a day or two to adjust to being away from Santa Barbara, and this will be nothing like that. Just a while longer I tell myself, just a while longer. Maybe I won't stay for summer after all...
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(no subject) [Dec. 30th, 2008|11:56 pm]
Lauren Apri
I'm feeling suffocatingly alone.

How did that happen so fast?
and as a result, i'm tempted to do things that surprise even me.

I want to stop caring and stop trying to abide by rules that I don't believe in. I don't want to live in my bubble. I want to live day to day and have fun and deal with the fallout later.
The worst part of the feeling is that it was entirely MY choice, I was NOT raised to be like this by any stretch, and I really am free to do whatever I want.
So what stops me? I don't know. Judgement? Isolation? Fear of doing something stupid? Not wanting to ruin something bigger or better with stupid regrets... The chance that the rules ARE right and are there for a reason and if I break them when I know better I'm really in trouble.

I want to do whatever I want! I'm like an immature little kid. The world doesn't work that way... but it could. My world could work that way for a while. But who knows how long I'd have to pay for it.

I want to crawl into bed. Not by myself. Ha... right. Sigh. Ridiculous.
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(no subject) [Nov. 5th, 2008|11:16 am]
Lauren Apri
Election is OVER, thank goodness.
Nothing surprised me, excited me, or disappointed me.
No results that is, some people maybe...
That's really all I have to say about that.
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(no subject) [Oct. 22nd, 2008|11:34 am]
Lauren Apri
I'm... content?
Is that why my LJ life has been slowly diminishing?
No. I write when I'm happy too. Just not when I'm so busy.

When did I become productive?
When did I start getting antsy from watching one TV show without doing anything else?
When did I stop being able to stay up past 12 or wake up after 8?
When did I start leaving high school behind instead of waiting to relive it?
When did I find an interest in foreign language and the rest of the world in general?
When did I stop caring about a social circle and about friends?
When did I start to define myself by ME and not by somebody else?
When did I stop trying to fit into a social mold and start acting on what I think?
When did I take up doing my homework and getting something out of learning?
When did I decide to stay here as much as possible instead of going home?
When did home stop being home?

I am turning into someone that I wasn't before.
What is he turning me into...
Or is he just letting me become something that the life I chose before didn't let me become? Am I really being redefined or just liberated? Does it even matter, if I like where I'm going?

I feel pretty good. Except for the people that I miss...
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(no subject) [Oct. 9th, 2008|05:23 pm]
Lauren Apri
I'm still here, I just find myself wasting time elsewhere. Although, in general, I am wasting less time than I ever used to. Or at least since finishing high school and leaving life as I knew it behind... social life, fiscal life, academic life, family life, life in general... yeah, the traces of my high school version of it are finally almost gone, who'd have thought.

I live in an apartment. I cook and clean and pay bills and get mail.
Got a job too, by the way, though I haven't started it yet.
I can sign things, pay for things, do things, without consent or approval... and often I do.
My friends... have changed. There's new ones. Less of the old ones. Still some though.
I take what I want to take and go to class when I want and work as hard as I feel like.
The only reason people care what I do is because they love me, and those people are few and far between - I am otherwise unobligated, unmonitored... in a way, unstoppable. Liberating? Or dangerous?

I'm settling. Into now.
Chaos of the past...
Freedom or Uselessness?
I am undecided.
Liberation or Limitation?
Who says they aren't the same...

What is gone is a part of this, and the people who aren't here are still a part of this. Inclusion of the other in Self. Developmental psych, thanks. Did you know many theorists support the idea that without socialization we would actually not have a sense of self at all? I believe it.

Who am I without what everyone sees, what everyone else thinks, how I want to be perceived, what I learn and take in tiny pieces from the people I surround myself with. Makes the fact that I CHOOSE those people now and little more important - by choosing my surroundings I am choosing myself and my future. Not to be too dramatic. But it's true.

It also makes you think... am I a good choice?
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